1. Understand the Purpose

The goal of a condolences message is to show that you care. You are acknowledging the loss and offering comfort. The person receiving your message is grieving. Your words will not take away their pain, but they can help the person feel less alone.

A good condolences message does the following:
– Acknowledges the loss
– Expresses sympathy
– Offers comfort or support
– Shows respect for the person who died

It does not:
– Offer advice
– Minimize the loss
– Focus on your own experiences

2. Consider the Relationship

Before writing, consider how well you knew the person who died, and how close you are to the person receiving your message. This will guide the tone and content of your message.

Examples:
– If you are writing to a close friend, your message can be more personal.
– If you are writing to a coworker or client, the message should be more formal and brief.

3. Choose the Right Format

You can write your message in different ways:
– A handwritten note
– A printed letter
– An email (acceptable in less formal situations)
– A message on a condolence card

Handwritten notes or letters are often seen as more personal and thoughtful.

4. Structure of a Condolences Message

A condolences message usually has four parts:

A. Greeting
Use the person’s name. Keep it simple.
Examples:
– Dear Maria,
– Dear Mr. and Mrs. Khan,

B. Acknowledge the Death
Mention the name of the person who died. If appropriate, say how you knew them.
Examples:
– I was very sorry to hear about the passing of your father, Mr. Ahmed.
– I just heard the news about Sarah. I am deeply sorry.

C. Express Sympathy and Support
Say that you are thinking of them. Express that you care.
Examples:
– Please accept my deepest condolences.
– My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

D. Share a Memory or a Kind Word (Optional)
If you knew the deceased, you can share a short, respectful memory or comment.
Examples:
– I remember how she always had a kind word for everyone.
– He was a wonderful teacher and touched many lives.

If you did not know the person, skip this part.

E. Offer Help or Close Gently
You may offer help, but only if you truly mean it.
Examples:
– If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.
– Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead.

Then close the message.
Examples:
– With sympathy,
– Sincerely,
– Thinking of you,

5. What Not to Say

Certain phrases may seem helpful but can actually hurt. Avoid the following:

A. “I know how you feel.”
Even if you have experienced a similar loss, everyone grieves differently.

B. “They’re in a better place.”
This may not match the beliefs of the grieving person.

C. “At least they lived a long life.”
While it may be true, this does not lessen the loss.

D. “Everything happens for a reason.”
In times of grief, such statements often feel empty or insensitive.

Instead, focus on showing support and presence. Silence is better than saying the wrong thing.

6. Sample Messages

Formal Example:
Dear Mrs. Patel,
I was saddened to hear of your husband’s passing. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
Mr. Patel was a respected member of our community. His kindness and wisdom will not be forgotten.
You and your family are in my thoughts.

With sympathy, 
Thomas Lee

Informal Example:
Dear Ben,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I can only imagine how hard this must be.
I remember her warm smile and how welcoming she always was. She will be missed.
If you need to talk or just want company, I’m here.

Take care, 
Julie

Very Brief Message (for card or text):
Thinking of you during this difficult time. 
With heartfelt sympathy.

7. Cultural and Religious Sensitivity

Be aware of cultural or religious practices. If you are unsure, keep your message simple and neutral. Avoid assumptions about beliefs in the afterlife or customs. You can find general guidelines here.

8. When to Send the Message

Ideally, send the message within a few days of learning about the death. However, a late message is better than none. People continue to grieve for months and years. A kind note is always welcome.

9. Condolences for Different Situations

Each loss is different. You may need to adjust your words depending on the situation.

A. Loss of a Child:
There are no words that can ease this kind of pain. Please know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

B. Loss of a Pet:
I know how much Max meant to you. He was truly part of your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.

C. Loss of a Coworker or Acquaintance:
I was sorry to hear of John’s passing. He was a valued part of our team, and we will miss him greatly.

Here are more examples.

10. Final Thoughts

Writing a condolences message takes thought and care. You don’t need to write a long or poetic note. You just need to be sincere, respectful, and kind. Keep your message short, if needed. What matters most is that you took the time to reach out.

People remember simple words during grief:
– “I’m so sorry.”
– “I’m here if you need anything.”
– “You are in my thoughts.”

These words bring comfort. They show love and support when it matters most.

Useful Links

– https://www.legacy.com/advice/how-to-write-a-condolence-letter/
– https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8772293/
– https://www.funeralguide.co.uk/help-resources/arranging-a-funeral/condolence-messages